At Least He's Alive
by Moon Lovers Lover
Summary: "You know… I always thought you would be the first to get married out of the two of us." - "Me? Nah, hell no. You won't see me tied to a woman in this lifetime, and probably not even in the next."


**Author's Note:** I am not a native speaker of English, so if I made a mistake, please let me know. I watched Hwarang earlier this year, and there were many things I was not okay with the first being Han Sung's death, and the second being SooRyu not being canon, when they had more chemistry than the main couple. (Of all people, his SISTER, really? That's suspicious.) This isn't a fix-it, but what I legitimately think may have happened after the show ended.  
Please enjoy.

 **Music I Listened to While Writing:**  
\- Divine Intervention (Yang Yeosob)  
\- Memorizing a Spell (Jeon Woo Sung)  
\- Don't Leave Me Alone (Jung Dong Ha)  
\- Wherever You Are (Han Dong Geun)  
\- All With You (TaeYeon)

* * *

The sky was a bright, bright blue – the sun beating down mercilessly, making everyone sweat under their robes. Cicadas were droning, and everyone with the resources and ability to do so, were hiding somewhere in their wine cellar, or sitting in the shade and drinking. The Hwarang, however, were being trained in weaponry, sparring in the large, open courtyard. Their boots scuffed over the flagstones and raised dust, their sweat trickled down their necks and foreheads under their headbands and leather armor, many breathing harshly from the exercise.

The Arms-master was displeased, his students could all feel it. Off the field, he was a generally easygoing man, laughing and grinning – everyone realizing that he actually was rather young, only in his late twenties – but on the training grounds he was harsh and strict, telling them, "I won't coddle you – because that will get you killed." But today, he found fault with everything – and his eyes were narrow, and his jaw clenched. The young Hwarang sweated under the hot sun, cries and sharp 'clack'-ing of wooden training swords together echoed throughout the courtyard under the Arms-master's watchful eye. "Your left side is unguarded! …Stop flipping around and actually land a hit – you're not gonna impress anybody in a real battle if you die! …You! Don't falter!" he would roar out advice over the sound of the training, his remarks aimed at one or a few of his students. "You're going to get your _leg_ chopped off like that! If you did that in a real battle, you'd be dead _fifteen minutes ago_!" he seemed to radiate a force-field of annoyance and thinly-covered anger. He loudly clapped his hands together. "Stop!" The young Hwarang stilled. "Bow!" They bowed to their partners. He sighed. "Go take a drink, whatever."

There were cheers among the boys, and they ran off towards the well, energized by even the merest thought of water. The smart ones took several careful sips to wet their throats and poured the rest on their heads and down the backs of their robes. The rest, however, guzzled the sweet, cold water. They would regret it later, for they would have to keep training for another half hour – and the soothing water would feel like rocks inside them.

The Arms-master settled back with a sigh, stepping into the shade of one of the surrounding buildings – and raked a hand through his hair, pushing it back – squeezing his eyes shut. He gritted his teeth and took a deep breath in. "Focus, Kim Soo Ho, focus," he muttered to himself. "C'mon man, you can do it. Last class of the day…" He let the breath out, and stepped out again when the boys all stood at attention in the courtyard, waiting for instruction. "Switch partners!" They switched, milling around for a while. "Bow!" They bowed to their new sparring partners. "Begin!" The sounds of sparring filled the courtyard again. The sun was harsh, but not harsh enough for sun-stroke or heat-stroke – but Soo Ho was overwhelmed with the feeling of 'I want to go jump in a tub of ice water'.

Soo Ho cracked his neck, then sighed with annoyance, pointing with his practice sword at a pair of boys beginning to flag. "Yah! You two! Stop slacking!" They froze for a moment, then redoubled their efforts and Soo Ho nodded with satisfaction. "If you see a weakness, exploit it! That way you'll both learn!" He squinted at a boy fumbling a hit at his opponent's right side, when he could have easily hit his left. That was the kid he had admonished earlier. "Left!" he roared at him, walking around to the awkward pair. " _Left,_ damn it!" This kid was, what, seventeen, older? He should know his right from his left, the punk!

When he was satisfied that the kid could successfully tell his right from his left, and that the other had managed to correct his stance, so that his left side was no longer weak, Soo Ho left them, and continued to prowl around, combining admonishment and rare praise. Some of them might hate him. Fine. But at least, when the time came, they would be able to fight and not die – and protect the king. That's what the class should have been called. Not 'weapons training', not 'martial arts training' – but 'not-dying training'. Maybe then, the boys would get it through their skulls that death actually _was_ a thing, and that it could happen to them, too – if they weren't careful. They were Hwarang – and despite the flowery name, Hwarang were warriors – protectors and bodyguards, the king's messengers and personal fighters.

Soo Ho had applied for the position of weapons-master at the Hwarang training compound since the old one had retired, and since he had been his assistant for several years. His father was against it at first, but Soo Ho had won him over by saying that it would encourage more noble-born young men to enter Hwarang when they knew it – and support the Kim family. Being Hwarang was a high honor – and teaching the new young Hwarang would be even more so. Soo Ho had made that up on the spot, actually, and he had no clue if it was true or not to this day. Old Master We Hwa had hemmed and hawed over the application, bringing up all sorts of reasons why it might not work, and reminiscing about Soo Ho's rocky training period – especially his flaming temper and fights with Ban Ryu.

But finally, he had accepted. However, the twinkle in his eyes when he said he would introduce the candidate for the new 'Courtly Etiquette' instructor, Soo Ho had been wary. But Ban Ryu had entered the room and We Hwa took a step back, as if to avoid the expanding shockwave, and chuckled into his beard. The two men had stared at each other, then Soo Ho had begun to laugh – and Ban Ryu soon joined him.

It had been a while since Soo Ho had seen any of his other old roommates. Sun Woo was given the nickname of 'King's Own' Hwarang, since he was so often with the king and used by him for important tasks. Yeo Wool disappeared from time to time, re-appearing occasionally – his pale, beautiful face still holding a vacant smile. He had never been quite the same since Han Sung's death – and on Han Sung's gravestone there were often fresh flowers and incense burned, occasionally a piece of colored glass, or a strange bauble left, as such the young man had enjoyed.

But ever since Soo Yeon and Ban Ryu had officially announced their courtship, for real – and since Ban Ryu had become the 'Courtly Literacy' instructor, or whatever, Soo Ho was seeing a lot more of him. They would bicker just like old times, spar occasionally when neither was busy – but they were close friends, though neither would say the word. They had gone out for drinks a few times – done things like that – and Soo Ho could admit out loud, with a light heart, that it wasn't particularly unpleasant, (although what he would mean in his heart of hearts was that he loved it).

That was, until Ban Ryu had proposed to Soo Yeon a few days ago. Since then, Soo Ho had been avoiding him like the plague – literally resorting to hiding in closets, empty dorms, and empty classrooms to evade any potential meetings. Why? Soo Ho had pondered over that question many times, with a sword in his hand, with a bottle in his hand – and with a brush in his hand, when he sent a letter of congratulations to his younger sister, unable to face _her_ for some reason, too. No answer came to his own question, however, and Soo Ho was beginning to doubt his sanity. The guy was his _friend_ , damn it! He should be over the moon! His sister was marrying his best friend, the two people he cared about the most ending up together! Of course, Soo Ho had never put it in those terms before now. Ban Ryu had become so important to him – and he wasn't sure when it had happened. Had he _ever_ even truly hated him?

Probably not, now that he came to think of it. That was why he had been so relieved, so _happy_ when their animosity had become a grudging comradeship, then an awkward friendship. And then Ban Ryu was his _best friend_ , the most important guy in the world – and he hadn't even realized when or why. _That_ was why he was annoyed and angry. Because he didn't know what the hell Ban Ryu was-

Whoops, there he went again. He shook his head and came back to himself, clapping his hands together loudly, bringing the class to a halt with a roar of, "Stop!" They froze, then stood to attention. "Bow!" They bowed. "Class dismissed. Last one for the day. …Remember to cool down and stretch," he added, "Otherwise you'll be waking up tomorrow with your body feeling like a side of raw beef that's been hanging in the sun."

A few people laughed, but the ones that knew the feeling didn't – knowing exactly how accurate Soo Ho's description was. The young Hwarang trainees bowed to their instructor, then left, rubbing sore muscles, stretching – taking their armor off, and some even their whole tops – crowding in around the well again. Soo Ho watched them for a moment, then – satisfied that they were putting their practice swords and armor away properly, took his own armor off and put his own sword away as well. The sun seemed to be beating down even harder than before, and Soo Ho's feeling of 'I want to jump in a tub of icy water' intensified.

He sighed and went over to the well, the trainees having already dispersed. He drank, feeling refreshed – then looked around, and when he was satisfied that nobody was there, he poured the water over himself with another sigh. He shook his head like a dog, pushed his mop of soggy hair away from his face – then started at the laugh behind him. "So, you're succumbing to the heat, too?"

Soo Ho grinned. "Hey Doc."

Ah Ro had her hands on her hips and was shaking her head. Soo Ho had gradually become closer to Ah Ro, primarily because he was, indirectly, her greatest supplier of work. Trainees would come to her, trainees who had gotten concussions from hitting each other in the head with wooden swords, bruises, scrapes, scratches – all accumulated in his class. Unlike the previous Arms-master, Soo Ho believed in hands-on practice, more sparring than not – because he knew that it would ready the young Hwarang for battle earlier than practicing forms against the empty air. It meant more injuries, but it also meant more learning, and more accuracy, because – as Ban Ryu put it when Soo Ho was explaining it to him, 'Once you've been hit in the head once, you'll be less inclined to have it repeated.'

"Hey yourself," Ah Ro said, taking the bucket, refilling it, then beginning to drink straight from it with powerful gulps. "Anybody you have to send to me with a heat-stroke or a broken bone, today?"

"Nope," Soo Ho said, shaking his head with mock disappointment. "Not this time, I'm afraid. Sorry."

Ah Ro disengaged her lips from the rim of the now-empty bucket. "Yah, that's a good thing!" she admonished.

Soo Ho folded his arms. "Yah, the more people get injured, the more you get payed, Doc. You should be grateful," he joked.

Ah Ro hit him with the bucket and he pretended to beg for mercy, then smiled and put the bucket down – but her face became more serious. "Soo Yeon's been complaining that you haven't come to see her. She said that she got some weird manically cheerful letter from you, but that you've not been home for at least a week now."

His face carefully going blank, Soo Ho tried to shrug nonchalantly. "Yah, just tell that whiny brat I've been busy," he said. "It's not like I'm not hella happy for her," he added defensively. "She's one hell of a lucky kid, you know that? Out of all the people who've always wanted Ban Ryu's ass, she's the one who grabbed it – and got his heart instead."

Ah Ro gave him an odd look. "That's… Oddly poetic, somehow," she said slowly.

Soo Ho made a face. "I didn't _mean_ it to be," he grumbled. "She hit the jackpot – got me for a brother, and him for a… _Husband_ ," Soo Ho said, almost choking on the last word. It was almost _painful_ to think of Ban Ryu as _anybody's_ husband.

"Have you congratulated him yet?" Ah Ro asked. "Because I saw him just now, and he says he hasn't seen you for about a week, too."

"Like I said," Soo Ho's shoulders felt slightly more stiff as he shrugged again, "I've been busy."

"Ri-ight…" stretched Ah Ro, raising an eyebrow. "Are you sure it's not just because you feel awkward? Of having him as a brother-in-law, I mean."

No, somehow, that wasn't it either, Soo Ho realized. It was something completely different, but _what_ …- "Yeah," he said slowly, looking at Ah Ro. "Yeah, _that's_ what it is. I'll go congratulate him."

"Good," Ah Ro said.

Soo Ho faked a smile, and went to get a cold bath and a fresh pair of robes, his thoughts spinning wildly. However, the cold bath and the fresh silk of clean robes did very little to clear Soo Ho's mind. In fact, he was developing a bit of a headache, and he pinched the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes tightly, then opening them again. It didn't help. Soo Ho didn't know how to describe it, even to himself, but that headache was _inside_ his head. But he made up his mind to go and talk to Ban Ryu, and he had told Ah Ro he would. So, despite his headache, he went to find the man.

Ban Ryu's classes were also over for the day, but he – with his obsession with organization and pristine cleanliness – would be in the library, setting books just _so_ and cursing careless students under his breath. Soo Ho grinned at the thought, and his steps quickened and lightened. Why the hell had he been avoiding Ban Ryu anyway? He would only have to _see_ the guy to feel better after a tiring day – so avoiding him wasn't a smart thing to do at all. Soo Ho could have laughed at himself, he found his own thoughts so ridiculous at that moment. But 'let's go see our straight-laced bookworm' was the tune cheerfully playing in his head – the 'inside' headache seeming to lift.

He turned the corner, stopped in front of the library doors, then took both handles and opened _both_ doors for maximum effect, stepping through with a grin on his face. "What's up, man?"

Strangely, Ban Ryu was not making things neat, but standing with his ramrod-straight back towards the entrance, his hands folded behind himself and looking out the small window. He looked over at Soo Ho. "I was beginning to think you'd completely forgotten that I had ever existed," he said, raising an eyebrow and levelling a reproachful gaze at Soo Ho.

Soo Ho scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "I've been pretty busy," he said, looking away. "Sorry 'bout that."

Ban Ryu nodded. Soo Ho walked up to stand next to him to look out the window. The grounds were empty and silent, such that Soo Ho could hear the sounds of the city if he really listened hard, and no breeze blew across the whole of sweltering Silla. The walls around the Hwarang compound seemed to be shimmering and wobbling slightly from the heat haze, and still no clouds had ventured into the sky. "You know…" Ban Ryu said after a substantial pause, "I always thought you would be the first to get married out of the two of us."

Soo Ho snorted, looking over at Ban Ryu's pensive features. "Me? Nah, _hell_ no. You won't see me tied down to a woman in this lifetime, and probably not even in the next." He paused. "Don't get me wrong, I like the ladies… But a thing like _marriage_ … Nope." He laughed at the ridiculous notion of himself being married – then felt something twinge painfully in his chest, as Ban Ryu looked over at him, a half-smile on his lips. Why was he- What was this-

He made the mistake of looking into Ban Ryu's eyes at that moment, and a sudden, chilly wind rushed through the open window, rustling the papers of the library. The scent of rain was in the air, and outside, as if from nowhere, clouds descended on the sun and smothered its' light, plunging the city into the dimness. But Soo Ho could see nothing but Ban Ryu, hear nothing but Ban Ryu – and he choked on the words that he was about to say. Something had _hit_ him. Hit him hard, the most painful realization – and as another cool gust of wind blew between them, Soo Ho's eyes widened – and the pain in his chest increased tenfold.

Soo Ho was in _love_ with him.

It was like he had just opened a floodgate in his mind on a dam that had been ready to burst. So many thoughts beginning with, 'Oh, _that's_ why…' were swirling in a vicious whirlpool in his mind, even as he was staring at into Ban Ryu's eyes, words of congratulation frozen on his lips. He wondered if he had realized sooner, much sooner – back when they were still trainees – would Ban Ryu have accepted him? He couldn't help thinking that it would have been nice. Well, perhaps not _nice_ – but if they tried, they could have been happy.

Soo Ho _loved_ him.

That was the conclusion he reached after letting his racing, erratic thoughts go down a path where they had before been both completely banned and completely unaware of existing. It was a pretty hefty thing to keep denying all this time, but somehow, even though Soo Ho would never be able to have him now, it was somewhat liberating to make a clean breast of things, at least for himself. Only _somewhat_ liberating, because realizing that he loved Ban Ryu – right when he was about to marry Soo Ho's sister – was not the most opportune of moments. The realization hurt him like nothing else had before.

He _loved_ Ban Ryu.

And then Ban Ryu said, "You're… _Crying_ ," in an odd sort of tone, looking curiously at him.

Soo Ho slowly brought a trembling hand up to his face, then looked at the moisture on the tips of his fingers, dumbfounded. "…I'm _happy_ ," he said hollowly, as if he could convince himself. "Congratulations on your engagement, man."

Ban Ryu smiled, and that smile broke Soo Ho's heart. For a man that so rarely smiled – or maybe it was _because_ he so rarely smiled – Ban Ryu's smile was beautiful. He was _happy._ Soo Yeon was making him happy, and that's why he was marrying her. Because he loved her. The two people he loved most in the world loved each other. "Thanks," he said quietly. "I always thought you would be disapproving somehow."

"Not at all," Soo Ho forced himself to say, pasting a grin on his face and slamming Ban Ryu's shoulder. "You guys… Deserve each other."

"Somehow," Ban Ryu said, raising a perfectly-shaped eyebrow, amusement in his eyes, "That sounds like either an insult or a warning."

Soo Ho rubbed his sleeve across his face. "Take it however you want. I mean it," he said. He forced himself to take a shuddering breath in, then faked another grin, turning on his heel, unable to look at Ban Ryu any more. "…I just realized," he choked out, "I gotta go do-"

"Yah, you-"

The rain crashed down like a sheet of pure water, drowning out Soo Ho's paltry excuse, and Ban Ryu's confused response. The window crashed closed with another gust of wet wind, and the dry ground outside was greedily guzzling the gift from the heavens.

And Soo Ho was walking briskly and stiffly, then running without realizing it, running away, down the hallway, around the corner, down the stairs, skidding through the doors and outside where he was immediately soaked, from his hair, to his clothes, to his skin. He gritted his jaw tightly, forcing down something in his throat that made his eyes sting – his fists clenched even more tightly, so that his nails cut into his palms and drew blood.

His tears would not be repressed, but they mingled with the rain, and he tilted his face up, the freezing raindrops splattering across his cheeks. The blood dripping from his hands mingled with the rain also, and fell in pale, diluted red drops onto the flagstones. A laugh built up in his throat, then tore out of him until he bent over, laughing like a madman in the rain – until the cold stole all sound from him, and left him shivering, kneeling on the flagstones. He sank onto all fours, his body shaking with silent, violent sobs, until he could no longer breathe, and stare blankly at the water running over the smooth stones and at his hands, pale from cold.

The rain beat down heavily on his back and he swallowed, shutting his eyes completely and letting its weight press down on him. Then, suddenly, it _wasn't_ any more… And he opened his eyes, looking up.

He blinked away the blurriness from his vision, and found Yeo Wool crouching next to him, holding a red umbrella up, smiling slightly. "Hello," he said.

Soo Ho said nothing, partly because he _couldn't_ – and partly because he didn't know what to say. He looked down, trying to form the words, 'thanks for the umbrella, man,' or, 'hey, you're back,' but the sounds didn't make it past his lips. The pale light of the cloudy sky obscured by rain shone through the umbrella and cast a red shadow over the two of them.

Yeo Wool kept smiling and reached out to cup his face, making Soo Ho look at him. "You can watch him be happy," he said clearly over the sound of the rain. "You can see him smiling. You can laugh with him. You can reach out and touch him. You can talk to him. You can be his most valuable friend." He shrugged and patted Soo Ho's wet cheek. "Loving from afar isn't as tragic as it sounds. No love is really _that_ tragic, you know? Love _can't_ be, that's not its' nature. …And if you can't really understand that yet… Well, at least he's alive," he said, smiling again.

Soo Ho opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Yeo Wool propped the umbrella against Soo Ho's shoulder, so that it would keep covering him – and stood up, letting the rain take him. He tilted his face up, shut his eyes, then smiled again, up at the empty, gray sky – as if he could see something no-one else could.

After a while, he looked sideways at Soo Ho. "At least he's alive," he repeated, then smiled vapidly, tilted his head to the side – unfolded his fan and walked away through the rain, as if it was not even there.

Soo Ho stared after his retreating back, until the curtain of water obscured it.

* * *

Soaked, Soo Ho squatted in front of the oven in the kitchens, warming himself, shivering periodically. His elbows rested on his knees, his hands held out in front of him, water occasionally dripping from his fingertips. The kitchen staff largely ignored him, but some cast strange glances in his direction – wondering what on earth the Arms-master could have been doing out in that downpour. Soo Ho closed his eyes, letting the warmth sink through his skin, through his stiffening, damp robes – and taking in the smells of cooking food. He realized with a curious sort of detachment that he was hungry, wondering when dinnertime was. He sighed, turning around, and letting his back be warmed, pulling this headband off and his hair down from its ponytail, scraping his bangs away from his face.

When he had wanted to be dumped into a tub of ice-cold water, earlier today, this hadn't been _quite_ what he meant – or at least, he had hoped for it under slightly more pleasant circumstances. But, he supposed, in the summer – when it's dry and sunny like that, when there's no breeze – the rains are coming soon. Soo Ho didn't mind the rainy season, really. It was a nice break from being parched and sunburned every time he went outside – now he would have an excuse to run lessons in the salle – and if anyone got thirsty, they could run outside and open their mouths. He almost laughed at the image of the trainees all standing outside with their mouths gaping at the sky.

Yeo Wool's red umbrella leaned against the doorway of the kitchen. Soo Ho supposed he would return it later, or whenever Yeo Wool showed up next. Or, he could leave it by Han Sung's grave, a silent thank you to the two guys – knowing that Yeo Wool would receive it there.

"Yah!"

Soo Ho looked up, from black boots, to pants, to robes, then finally up to Ban Ryu's face. "Hello to you too," he said.

"Why the hell did you just run away like that? What were you doing out in the rain?" Ban Ryu looked largely annoyed and rather concerned.

"I left my laundry out to dry, this afternoon," he said with an apologetic grin, the lie coming easily out. "I totally forgot, and when it started coming down like that…" He sighed. "I _was_ hot this morning, but _damn_."

Ban Ryu rolled his eyes. "You had a face on you like you were going to go drown yourself," he said. Then, he glanced at the umbrella. "Isn't that yours?" he rolled his eyes and glared at Soo Ho. " _Aish_ , this guy…" he sighed. "I know you're not the brightest, but couldn't you have thought to at least _open_ it over yourself?" he admonished.

"Yah! Don't just use everything as an excuse to insult me," grumbled Soo Ho, lightly shoving Ban Ryu's shoulder. "That's Yeo Wool's. He gave it to me and left – but I was already soaked, so what the hell kind of difference does it make?"

"Oh, is he back?" asked Ban Ryu.

"For now?" Soo Ho shrugged. "Maybe. He won't stay here though, he never does."

Ban Ryu nodded, then turned back, about to admonish Soo Ho again, but Soo Ho grinned at him, stood, and pulled him into a hug. "Be happy," he said firmly. "If you're not, I won't forgive you. Make _her_ happy. She's the only sister I've got, even if she _is_ annoying as hell." He shut his eyes, holding Ban Ryu tightly. "Laugh a lot. A whole damn lot, do you hear me?" To emphasize 'a whole damn lot', Soo Ho gave Ban Ryu's back several sharp slams, one for each syllable.

Against his shoulder, he felt and heard Ban Ryu let out a brief laugh that was half derisive snort and half sincere. "Yeah," he said quietly. They stood next to the stove in a mutual embrace for a few more moments, until Ban Ryu grumbled, "So, are you planning on getting me any wetter, or do you have anything else sappy to say?"

Soo Ho pulled back, holding Ban Ryu away from himself by the forearms and mock-glaring at him. "Yah! I'm being sincere, damn it!" he said indignantly.

Ban Ryu looked down and plucked at the front of his robes, now damp from Soo Ho's hug. "Sincere and soaked," he muttered, shaking his head. But he smiled, looking back up at Soo Ho. "That makes two of us, I suppose," he said quietly. He looked into Soo Ho's eyes to make his point. "…Thanks – and I mean it. You be happy too, alright? I won't forgive you either if you aren't."

Soo Ho laughed, shrugged, then grinned at Ban Ryu. "Oh, I'll scrape by somehow," he said flippantly. "At least I'm alive, you know?"

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Thank you very much for reading. Please tell me what you think.


End file.
